Dir. Tim Story, 2005, USA/Germany, 105 mins
Cast: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon
Review by Ivan Waterman
There are great moments of dullness and despair in movie history, time spent in a cinema when your eyes slowly close and you lose the will to live. It can happen effortlessly watching Rocky 23 or Police Academy 102.
Affectionados of cinecide, as it is known, will recall Peter Collinson’s dire ‘thriller’ Tomorrow Never Comes incorporating mind numbing exchanges between the late, lamented Oliver Reed and Raymond ‘Ironside’ Burr that must be heard to be believed, followed by the absolute worst of sobbing starlet Susan George.
For sheer pomposity, possibly unrivalled in the annals of celluloid absurdity, Kevin Costner’s The Postman takes some beating. Never have so many giggled for so long while Kevin droned endlessly away in his issue driven ‘epic drama’.
And so we come to this Summer blockbuster from relative newcomer Tim Story, a stellar humdinger which may not be in the same league as those landmark stinkers but occasionally plummets to depths causing both dizzyness and nausea.
Story, who made his successful studio directorial debut in 2002 with the dumbed down comedy teen flick Barbershop starring Ice Cube, will have to exercise extreme caution in his chosen choice of profession.
The finger of blame can also be pointed at writers Michael France and Mark Frost. France , aside from the dreaded Cliffhanger with Sylvester Stallone and Frost, a three-time Emmy nominee who created David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, actually have excellent pedigrees. However, on this occassion, the heavily leaded roots of Fantastic Four in Marvel Comics cartoon strips have defeated them.
Tedious might be the kindest way of describing a screenplay tailor made for undiscerning six year-olds. Sadly,the lame dialogue also has a harrowing effect on top drawer talents such as our own Ioan Gruffudd, late of HMS Hornblower, and the demure Jessica Alba, one of the discoveries of 2005 from Robert Rodriguez’s classic crime noir Sin City.
If ever an actor shouldn’t be trying to make his Hollywood breakthrough in a science-fiction fantasy, it is the square jawed, upstanding Gruffudd, an intense Welshman who requires real meat to sink his teeth into, not scraps left on Sunset Strip’s sidewalk. His best light work remains 102 Dalmatians and the sugary Soloman and Gaenor which was nominated for an Oscar in the Foreign Language section.
Perhaps there’s also a cultural problem with the Hollywood studios obsession with cartoon comic land. From the Marvel stable alone we’ve witnessed rugged Eric Bana make The Hulk rise from banal to bankable, the deft Tobey Maguire weave his own subtle web as Spider-man and those two Royal Shakespeare Company darlings Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen giving each other a solid burst of FX treatment in X-Men.
Fantastic Four doesn’t attempt to be chic and divert from tried and tested formulas. Story sets up the action establishing how his superheroes acquire their supernatural powers. He spends a good hour using excellent special effects as they learn how to control their amazing gifts. And, as always, he reserves their battle with their pantomime Nemesis Victor Von Doom aka Dr Doom (McMahon) for a predictable grand finale, leaving the landscape free for a sequel.
Doom’s extraordinary eyebrows, if linked to any of William Shatner’s Star Trek rugs and a set of Mr Spock’s finest ears, could create an entirely new and very scary science-fiction genre.
Alba is cute enough as Sue Storm, a girl who can become invisible as fast as wardrobe can squirt hair lacquer on a set, while Michael Chiklis, from the TV drama series The Shield, re-surfaces as a hideous cross between Michelin Man and The Hulk after going through a cosmic storm in search of the key to unlock human genetic codes. Their chief Dr Reed Richards (Gruffudd) bounds back to Earth with the ability to slide under doors or contort his body into any shape.
Incredibly irritating is their buddy Johnny Storm, alias The Human Torch (Chris Evans). The Boston born actor played opposite Kim Basinger and William H Macy in Cellular and made an impression in The Perfect Score with Scarlett Johansson. Here, to coin one of his own glib phrases, he simply sucks.
Fantastic Four isn’t rocket science. It’s just dimly pedestrian by way of plot and dialogue but harmless with a capital F for forgettable. The gargantuan New York lookalikes are superb. And, if you don’t doze off, you might even smile along with the kids. Unless they’ve already left.
