Elizabeth Hyder is on the island this week, sharing her favourite movies with us in the latest of our ongoing features.
I don’t know about you but I’ve rather gone off the whole idea of desert islands since Lost started. I’m not that keen on sharing an island with beautiful people who don’t have to shave, don’t have cellulite and can still find a bikini even though most of their clothes have perished. Let alone the fact that there’s a strange roaring monster that appears and disappears, according to the scriptwriters remembering or forgetting that they’d ever put it on there. Nope, to me, every desert island should come equipped with a clone of Ray Mears (even though a tiny bit of me might be afraid he’d eat me at some stage), a bloody good cinema, one of those posh tents that rich people stay in on safari (bring on the luxury!) and, of course, a popcorn vending machine. Okay, so the diet might be a little dull, but that’s what Ray’s for – he can sort out and kill the rabbits/fish/roaring monster and we can have it for tea before settling down and watching one of my ten desert island movies. Now I’d like to point out, these aren’t necessarily my top ten favourite ever films, but they sure as hell are the ones I’d like to watch on this desert island of mine, snuggled up under the stars with the rug made up out of the now-dead roaring monster and a vat of popcorn. Bring it on I say!
In no particular order…
Three Colours Red
I think Kieslowski was one of the greatest film-makers that ever lived and, whilst I know the trilogy currently being made (Twyker’s Heaven anyone? Thought not) is a bit crap, he made a helluva lot of good films before he snuffed it. Three Colours Red has all the hallmarks of one of his greatest - an obsession with fate and destiny, bloody good actors, clever cinematography that still manages to look gorgeous, missed opportunities and a slightly ambiguous figure that’s a bit deity-like. And it’s just bloody brilliant in every way. Plus, as it’s the last of the trilogy, you don’t have to watch the other two as you find out what happens to them at the end of this. I did consider trying to squeeze the entire Three Colours Trilogy on as a single film, but the Desert Island editor wouldn’t let me. Damn.
PI
I know Aronofsky has since done much better work but I have a teensy fondness for this film partly because I haven’t actually seen it since the Edinburgh Festival years ago when it debuted. Half asleep and just a wee bit tipsy on cider, I kept falling asleep on and off throughout the screening and therefore am convinced this is one of the best films ever made. Subsequently, I’ve been too scared to go back to it, mainly because I was convinced the main character is bald throughout and I’ve since seen pics of him with hair (or rather a dodgy-looking wig). The desert island would be a perfect place to catch up and see if this is the real deal or, as Noel Edmonds would say after a ten minute pause, “no deal.” Okay, I’d be gutted if it was crap but I suppose this is my wildcard, so there.
The 39 Steps
The Hitchcock version, natch. Why? Robert Donat’s tiny moustache, the fact that there’s an electricity between the two leads and none of them take their clothes off or have a snog (watch and learn modern filmmakers, watch and learn!) and it’s surprisingly funny. From Donat’s police/sheep analogy to the Memory Man (I can do a passable impression of him but I’m sure you don’t want to hear it) and the unintentionally hilarious bit where the police search on the moors is speeded up and their little legs go like the jimmy. If your version doesn’t have this strange anomaly (and every version I’ve ever seen has), I’d be only too pleased to lend you mine so you can see just how funny this is.
To Have and Have Not
“You know how to whistle, just put your lips together and blow”. Sexier than Casablanca and I’ve seen it less times, so I’d rather have it on a desert island. Bacall is a million times more watchable than Bergman and frankly this is a screen debut that no-one’s really matched since.
The Ladykillers
Great cast, probably the best out of the Ealing classics, brilliantly plotted and don’t forget how good the benign old ladies are. Truly brilliant. Funny, clever, and the ‘fake’ orchestra has me in fits every time.
Russian Ark
I’m only taking this on condition I can have a proper cinema screen and all the gubbins, as it would look crap on a small screen. I loved this in the cinema and finally after the, no doubt, multiple viewings on said desert island, perhaps me or Ray could work out what the bejiminy it’s all about. Looks beautiful, though, genuinely all in one shot and that lead actor is bizarrely like a Russian Ian McKellen. Love it, love it, love it. Although it is a bit boring in places…
Amelie
A nice, jolly one to cheer me up, and besides, the soundtrack is absolutely bloody brilliant. Tautou’s never been as good since and neither’s Jean-Luc Picard (sorry, I can’t remember his name and I daresay my memory will start to go on the island, so I thought I’d start practising). I like the fact that Matthieu Kassovitz is slightly creepy in it, too. He nicks people’s photographs and works in a porn shop. Over here, he’d be on a Sunday tabloid’s most wanted list, but in France he’s the romantic hero. Ha-ha! Subversive, and yet you all thought it was one lovely, romantic film – suckers. Oh, and dialogue always sounds better in French.
Toy Story
The original and the best. Great idea, great casting (Hanks hadn’t been this funny since BIG and frankly never will be again) and just for the invention of Buzz Lightyear and the knowing nod to all things toy merchandise, this deserves a place on any desert island.
Top Hat
Great tunes, Astaire at his best, and there’s a really nice dress that Ginger wears with ostrich feathers that moults as she dances. Kind of hoping there might be ostriches on this desert island or something similar so I can copy the pattern and swan around (ho-ho, a pun) to the tunes. This would be one for watching when things are a bit crap on the island and I’m thinking Ray will leave me to fend for myself.
Some Like It Hot
This is my real ‘cheer myself up’ film for dire needs only. I think I’ll save this until I’m convinced that Ray is going to eat me and I’ll watch this first. Why? The shell scene on the beach never fails to make me laugh, Marilyn’s wobbly belly (yes, women do have bellies – and tits! Hollywood tends to forget these days) and men in drag. What could be better?
All About Eve
The bitchiest, funniest and saddest Bette Davis has ever been. Watch it and weep. A rare Hollywood treat about women growing old and being usurped by the younger model. This is the film Sunset Boulevard should have been and isn’t. And it’s got the very young Mazza Monroe making her screen debut. Fantastic.
Disclaimer – there are of course lots of other films that I’d like to include – anything with a soundtrack by Morricone, A Cock and Bull Story, Citizen Kane, blah blah blah, but frankly I thought I’d want a bit of entertainment on said island, and if Ray is going to be off all day hunting down the big roaring monster, I wanted a little bit of light entertainment. So there. The sharp-eyed amongst you may notice that there are eleven in my top ten but I’m hoping the editor won’t. Shhh – its just between me, you and my friend, Ray Mears.
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