2012 (12A)

Dir. Roland Emmerich, 2009, US/Canada, 158 mins

Stars: John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson, Oliver Platt

Review by Richard Mellor

Where once it was terrorist aliens ( Independence Day ) and abnormal apes ( Godzilla ), Roland Emmerich's chief foe these days is much more mundane: the mutinous planet on which we live. Following on from a premature Ice Age in 2004's The Day After Tomorrow , 2012 sees a total cataclysm of Earth‘s surface, echoing the prophecy of the ancient Mayan calendar. Whatever the enemy though, the consequences stay the simple same: poor old mankind is on the ropes.

Emmerich skates breathlessly through the initial scenes, keen to establish a premise ASAP so he can get his toys out. In 2007 top scientist Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor) learns that the planetary core is heating up ominously. Fast-forward through a few hastily assembled international summits and world leaders have hatched a plan: to build super-arks that will ferry the world's luminaries, plus a few animals and artworks, to solar safety and to only tell Joe Bloggs and co of their fate at the last moment.

Despite this evil elitism, Roland does allow for a few good guys. As well as honest Adrian, there's the American President (Glover), who is black (of course) and heroic (of course), and his pugnacious daughter (Newton). There's a scarcely-sane eco-protester (Harrelson). And there's John Cusack's sci-fi writer turned chauffeur, an Ordinary Man with all the requisite hero ingredients: a kind heart, courage, an estranged wife (Peet) he still loves, children who hate him, incredible driving skills and an ability to accomplish every task with seconds or inches to spare.

Details, schmetails says Emmerich - let's get on with the carnage. 2012 comes with three stunning action sections, each a CGI -injected natural disaster of awesome scope - multi-volcanic eruptions, mass tsunamis and first mammoth earthquakes. With little warning America 's cities are sucked into the ground or slide towards the sea. We suffer this scenario head on: riding shotgun with Cusack as he slaloms his limo past collapsing skyscrapers, fireballs and gaping chasms miles deep. This is blockbuster stuff in every sense of the word: never can blocks have been busted quite so thrillingly.

The later catastrophes are just as adrenal, but what of the bits in between? While certainly a formulaic film with its subplot of a family re-united and a mandatory romance, 2012 is also a revelation thanks to two unlikely qualities. The first is humour. Debacles or not, this is a hilarious movie thanks to its German director's incorrigible stereotyping. The hit-list is wide and varied: Arnie and Queen Liz are mocked for their accent and corgis respectively, while a fat Soviet billionaire (Zlatko Buric) is the epitome of greed and gadgets. “That's a big plane” marvels Cusack's son at one point. “Itz Russhian” growls back the proud oligarch.

The other virtue is a cute pessimism. You suspect Emmerich's vision of conspiratorial, self-serving power-mongers won't be far wrong whenever Earth does actually blow; equally, the proliferation of new-age preachers, and the chaotic collapse of a feuding humanity seem sadly probable. Not that 2012 is all negativity. There are instances of touching kindness in the face of death and violin-ridden goodbyes drowning in syrup.

Not to mention heroes drowning in anonymity. Peet and Newton's pretty females offer stoic make-up, feisty looks and little else, so underwritten are their characters. Glover's President is meatier but weepier - a study in wet whimsy - but fortunately Cusack and Ejiofor make likeable heroes and Oliver Platt's selfish Chief of Staff meanwhile is the dastardliest of crooks.

Characters aren't what you'll remember 2012 for, though. It's a film dreamed up express ly for the purpose of astounding cinematic gymnastics and in that respect Emmerich gets it spot on. This is Armageddon at its sexiest. It's a film that you must see in a very big, noisy megaplex, with a lot of popcorn, as many senses as you can muster and, ideally, a seatbelt. Disasters don't come more exhilarating.