Dir.
Jaume Collet-Serra, 2007, UK, 115 mins
Cast: Kuno Becker, Anna Friel, Alessandro Nivola
Review by Mike Bartlett
“The beautiful game” – that's
what they call football, isn't it? It certainly never seemed
that way to me, with its vicious tackling, brutal physical
contact, spitting, swearing, fingers up at the ref – not
to mention the racism, hooliganism and ruthless corporate
speculation off the pitch. And it never felt beautiful on
celluloid either – the catalogue of dull football movies
stretches into infinity: Fever Pitch, Escape To Victory,
When Saturday Comes…
But that's how the producers of Goal
2 evidently see it. So much so, in fact, that they've raised
the sport to the level of a fairytale. The protagonist
is one Santiago Munez, a poor Mexican boy, who in the internationally
mega-successful Goal 1 (what do you mean you've never heard
of it?) was picked from obscurity by a talent scout and
sent to play in the cosmopolitan paradise of, er…Newcastle. In this instalment
(and this one ends with “To be continued…” so
there's going to be a third), he is granted the footballer's
ultimate dream - being signed up for Real Madrid. And that's
about it. There's a few wispy sub-plots clinging on for dear
life – Santiago finds his real mum and stepbrother,
he falls out with his girlfriend – but the whole film
is merely an excuse to showcase life in soccer's fast lane – real-life
pitch action interspersed with hilariously obvious CGI sequences
when the actors have to strut their stuff, star player cameos
(Beckham, Raul), Lamborghinis, gorgeous girls…
All of which is fine in itself – but is this what
the fans want? Soccer enthusiasts invest a lot of time analysing
and discussing their chosen obsession – they're too
savvy to be sold a sugar-coated version of the truth. The
film glosses over the realities of the transfer market, reveals
little of the inner workings at the Bernabeu, and fights
shy of exposing the WAG scene. And even I know that Ronaldo
and Zidane are no longer resident in Madrid, so what chance
for the modern blockbuster that feels out-of-date the moment
they kick off for the Galacticos on screen? Perhaps the target
audience is younger than your average Match of The Day viewer,
but with sex and personal failure writ large throughout,
this is a fairytale with balls, both literal and metaphorical,
and not immediately obvious as a kids' film. The impression,
ultimately, is of a vibrant European sports scene watered
down for an American audience.
The cast is amiable enough. Kuno Becker is fresh-faced and
sympathetic in the lead role and Anna Friel sports a great
Geordie accent as his girlfriend. And Rutger Hauer, back
from the dead again, looks perfect as the ruthless Dutch
coach but gets so little to do that he barely raises his
performance above a croak. Mind you, the way these films
are going, all three will probably find their careers nosediving
into appearances on Big Brother 2009. It's harmless pap,
I suppose, likeable if dim, but when will football break
its goalless spell and score a perfect film?
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