Dir. Phil Claydon, UK, 2009, 86 mins
Cast: James Corden, Mathew Horne, Paul McGann
Review by Carol Allen
From the title it's not difficult to guess that this has all the elements of an immature male horror movie fan's sexual fantasy. Though I have to warn you that, although the lesbian vampires of the title shimmy around a lot in flimsy costumes, obviously have good dentists as their vampire canines and other molars are perfect pearly white, and are keeping the cosmetics industry in good order with the amount of make-up they wear, apart from the occasional rather slobbery snog, there's not much in the way of girl-on-girl action. And as a spoof horror movie, it's not very scary and only occasionally funny.
Which is disappointing as it has two of our current hot comedy talents in the leads. Horne plays the nerd, Jimmy, who's just been dumped by his girlfriend. Cordern is his slobby best mate Fletch. As they're broke they set off on a hiking holiday, that being cheap, and end up in a village whose pub is peopled by refugees from The League of Gentlemen. The village has a dark secret in that due to an ancient curse placed by Camilla the Lesbian Vampire Queen (Sylvia Colloca), all the girls in the village turn into lesbian vampires on their 18th birthday (which rather begs the question, how do new baby girls get born?). Jimmy and Fletch team up with a camper van full of sexy female foreign students – the sort who wear ultra short shorts, have long legs, bountiful bosoms and are shot in slow motion–- and find themselves in a deserted cottage being besieged by the LVs, who convert all the girls to their lifestyle, except for virginal Lotte (MyAnna Buring), which is just as well, as she's the one who fancies Jimmy. Oh, and there's also a wild eyed vicar (McGann), whose daughter is about to turn 18 and who enlists our heroes as lesbian vampire killers in an attempt to save his daughter from her fate before it's too late. Again, if there are no human women in the village, who was her mum and anyway, as he's had 18 years to think about this problem, why didn't he start dealing with it earlier?
Such logic of course has no place in a movie like this, which would be fine if it carried you along with its premise and gave you plenty of laughs, as for example Shaun of the Dead did. It does, to be fair, look very good – a lot of money's been spent on some flashy special effects. Corden and Horne manage to raise the occasional smile but the script is as weak as water and the film, it must admitted, will probably be offensively sexist to some, though it's so silly I wouldn't bother to be offended, if I were you. There's nothing wrong with being outrageous provided you're funny, but this isn't. Maybe it would have been better, if Horne and Corden had written the film themselves.